Your design God, not mine

No. 

They prayed. They sought the Lord. The answer was no. 

Larry and Ashley Fulmer had been trying to conceive for six years. They desperately wanted a family. But they struggled to get pregnant. As so many also struggle with infertility, the questions arise- why God? I did everything right. Why is this not the plan for us? 

Their hearts were desperate and broken. Ashley says, "It was always a longing to grow our family, but we didn't know or understand the journey ahead." 

The couple prayed, battled, and searched for answers to grow their family. "It seemed we had always come up with nothing," Ashley says. Finally, the only clear answer was God speaking, wait.  

Wait. That is a complicated four-letter word to swallow. But, put that answer into the yearning for a child, and it becomes almost unbearable. "Not an answer anyone ever wants to hear in the infertility journey," she says. 

They continued serving in full-time ministry throughout these six years. The couple was married in 2011, and both went into a two-year seminary school program to become pastors through the Salvation Army. They felt ready to start praying for a child as they were finishing seminary. They were excited and steeped in the word. And it was this firm foundation that helped them remain strong in the first year and the second year of praying. Finally, three years in, they began to grow weary. They just got their first church assignment. Their life was full of ministry, but they were still dry, battling behind the scenes. 

Ashley struggled to be fully present in ministry. She says, "There were doubts, confusion, bitterness, anger, and so many more emotions that I was trying to deal with, which I couldn't fully express, and my husband couldn't understand." 

Ashley held off on seeking medical intervention. She was terrified. "It got to a point where I was almost fearful of going to a doctor because you never know what they will say." So, she continued to stay away. She continued to pray. She was scared the doctors would say, this just isn't possible for you. The fear became crippling, she said. A child was indeed her heart's desire. "That fear is so strong. You can quote scripture to yourself. But to claim it is a different thing." She finally had to come to a place of realizing that the doctors did not have the final word on her life. Only God did. 

Finally, Ashley went to the doctor five years into trying for a child. All the testing and blood work came back normal. There wasn't anything the doctors could point to for why the couple wasn't conceiving. So, they advised trying different treatments and starting somewhere.

Ashley continued to pray. They prayed separately. They prayed together as a couple.

Then towards the end of 2018, one of the Fulmer's friends presented an opportunity out of the blue. It felt like an answered prayer. This employee working beside the couple had a young daughter. And that daughter conceived a child but could not care for the child. She said the only people she wanted to adopt her baby were Ashley and Larry. Was this the answer to the prayer they were waiting so long for? It seemed to be the perfect solution for everyone. 

Of course, Ashley and Larry took it to prayer. They thought, "Everything we had asked and imagined was being placed right in front of us!" 

But it all came to a screeching halt. 

My husband had received a word from God…." No." "It was clear to my husband that God didn't want us to adopt this child," she says. Thoughts raced through her mind. Frustration. More pain. He just doesn't fully understand, she thought. But Ashley took time to think and to pray. She knew her husband to be a man of the word and a man of discernment. She wanted to trust him and the word God gave him. Despite how cruel it felt, she wanted to honor her God-fearing husband's discernment. The carrot was dangling. Would she suppress the flesh or the Spirit? 

Her husband said, "God told me in 1-2 months we will find out that we are pregnant." It's now been six years. Ashley blinked. "I thought he was crazy!" Ashley says, "Of course, I'm hysterical and think he's gone crazy at this point because he was very adamant about what he had received." She deep breathed and decided to follow her husband's lead with the Holy Spirit's guide. "You are the man of the house, and I will do my best to follow that." So the couple broke the news to the hopeful family awaiting the word on the adoption. They promised to help them find a new family to love this sweet little life. 

Consequently came the flood of questioning, doubting, and confusion. Why don't you want this for our family? Why don't you want to give us this gift right in front of us? Don't you want to provide us with a child through any avenue?  

Then comes April 2019. Ashley decided to attend the Daughters Conference in Altoona, Pa., with a dry spirit and frail resolve. She says, "I've been in a desert place with God for a while, and I was praying for a restoring moment to happen." She didn't know that the conference theme was battling prayer. But that is exactly what she has done now for six years. "Battle in prayer." Even feeling ridiculous at times for praying the same thing over and over and over again. She says, "In the fertility journey, all you do is battle in prayer because there is not much else you can do for yourself. You can involve doctors, which can throw things at you left and right. And you feel helpless in that journey, even with a medical professional. So all you can do is battle in prayer." 

Ashley was friends with the founder of the Daughters Conference, Bethany Marshall. She had heard about the event. Something in her Spirit kept stirring. She felt like she had to go. She was compelled to go. 

She found herself always the one hosting, leading, and directing in full-time ministry. This time she knew she needed to be an attendee. That's it. Her soul needed it. She wasn't going to lead a group, bring ladies, or serve. She thought, "I am just going to go for me...It was like a calling to go and be fed." 

So she went. And God had an appointed time at the altar He called her to. This time of prayer. God whispered. Ashley answered. 

"God began moving...there was an urging in my Spirit to pray for healing of my heart, mind, and body." Although she had done this dozens of times before, the impression was strong- do it again. "At that moment, it was clear that God was doing a restoring work within me, but little did I know what he had for us."

She said she is usually never the one to go to the front. But she couldn't ignore the strong wooing. "I prayed that God would forgive me for the bitterness and anger in my heart against others. And heal my heart." This sincerity swept over her. She had prayed it so many other times before. But it felt different this time. "I could feel that weight lifted. It was a physical lifting." 

Ashley was obedient. Not knowing what was around her corner. The promise seemed further and further off in the distance. But this weekend, she wasn't grasping at her pregnancy. Instead, she was grasping for God's hand, the hem of His garment, and His dense presence. And He touched her. 

She went home and said, "Larry there is something different about this. This is what I have been praying for. I feel healed. It was an emotional healing." 

Ashley has been a Christian most of her life, and she has kneeled at His altar many times before. But there was something different about this encounter. She says, "It was never something so noticeable than at this moment." She finally came to this place of surrender, submitting to His will, whatever that may be. "Whatever God's design is for us, I knew I would be OK." 

It came to that raw point. "God's will is my will." But, she continued, "You can say that all you want, but until it takes root in you and you are OK with God's answer no matter how contrary to your desires, God's hands are tied."

She could finally say to God, "Whatever your design is for our family, I will be OK." That was the moment. "I think that's what he was waiting for, complete surrender. The surrender of the design of my family. He was waiting for obedience, to be OK in whatever God had for us. "

She left the conference emotionally lighter than she had been in years. She didn't even realize she had been carrying so much weight. She left something behind and gained something too. 

"Two days after Daughters Conference, we found out we are pregnant!" 

There was no real answer in the blood work for a diagnosis or a treatment. The doctor's tried a medication to help Ashley's body ovulate. Ashley felt like something was off when she returned from the conference and called her doctor, who advised taking a pregnancy test to be safe. 

She or Larry couldn't believe it. As they looked back to make sense of all the recent unfolding, they realized the day they found out they were pregnant was precisely two months to the day God spoke to Larry.  

"God does crazy things sometimes," she says. Within that same week, the couple spoke with their friend's daughter. Only to be informed that she would keep the baby and raise him. "Talk about God's protection!" For all involved. Ashley says, "When I look over our story and God's provision, it's no short of amazing."  

Into the world came little Liam Ray, born January 16th, 2020. His name means great defending warrior. Ashley says, "We pray that he grows to be a great defender for the Kingdom of God." They felt strongly God is calling their little boy to be a warrior for the kingdom as he came through a battle prayer. 

During her journey, there was a lot of pain and heartache. If she and Larry hadn't been listening to the Holy Spirit they could have produced their own will. There were a lot of side roads they could have taken. But they sought His good and perfect will. Ultimately, it was about trusting the heavenly father to know He wants the best for his children. Ashley says, "Ultimately, you realize God's design for you and your family, which is different for every person and family." 

While battling, Ashley hated hearing the words, "God's timing is perfect." It was not encouraging. It was salt to the already festering wound. But she can see now that God indeed had a hand on her, her husband, and her friend's family. He sees the big picture. He already has the puzzle put together. We just have this plethora of chaotic, colorful, messy pieces. He is staring at the box.

Ashley says that God is faithful no matter what you are waiting for. In His good and perfect timing. "I didn't want to hear it then. But His timing really is perfect. I wouldn't have been the mom I was today six years ago. Had it not been for God's perfect timing." 

Ashley continued to cling to Exodus 14:14 - "The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still." She says, "Our journey is a testament to that very fact that God's timing is perfect. I pray our journey speaks to someone going through it." 

Ashley is very transparent. It was hard. It was emotional. It was, at times, seemingly unbearable. It was painful and isolating. And if her story can help even one woman and couple walking through a similar journey, she wants to share it. She says, "You battle so many other emotions- not being an adequate spouse. So much bitterness in my heart towards other friends and family that have children right away. It's so much to process through. " 

It did affect their marriage. How could it not? It was intimate, personal, and painful for them both. They both needed different things yet tried to be there for each other. "There was a lot of yelling. Especially towards the end when you are at your wits end and praying for the same thing over and over again." 

She said there were many ups and downs, "There were times it brought us closer together. But times, it seemed to push us apart. Times I was going through things he didn't understand and vice versa. Gender roles play a large part in infertility." She says, "We were there for each other, praying for each other and at the same time wanted to rip his head off because he doesn't understand." She laughed. It was genuine. Her candidness is pure and unfiltered. So is her faith. 

She says you have to be able to admit, "I'm on this infertility journey, and it sucks. Women struggle with it alone, and it can be a taboo subject. Sometimes there's not much you can say. That's part of life. You can pray for healing, but that doesn't mean that God will grant that." She wants to create space and openness around it. To make sure women walking through it don't feel alone. 

Worship, prayer, and people were the most significant things that helped her. Music always played a prominent role in her life, so worship was like a life raft. "Sometimes I didn't have the words, but to sing a new song to God helped." 

She said it was through the prayer and word of the saints, "People around me that didn't give me cliché false hope that God will answer you because that may not be the case. People that are real. That will come and sit beside you and pray with you and wherever you are in this journey." 

She advises those walking with someone through the infertility journey to be present to pray with them. Be physically and emotionally with them. Join them right where they are. "Sometimes it's not the words we say but being present with that individual. Because it's so lonely." Often we struggle alone, so finding someone else to talk to changes everything. It's vital to process. Ashley's best friend walked through this same journey, "We were able to figure it out together." She prays that God sends the right people in your path. 

Ashley continues to pray for women walking this hard road. "I pray God sends women to me so they don't feel like they are in it alone." Some of her church members are going through medical testing currently. "If you haven't walked it, there are certain things you don't know to ask for. It's empowering to be that advocate spiritually and medically." Ashley says. She wants to be a resource and advocate for you wherever you are. You can reach her through email at aakull@me.com 

Don't walk this journey alone. Invite the Holy Spirit to lead you, invite friends into your circle and pain, and share openly with your spouse. Whatever God has for you, His plans are good. Surrender your design for your family to His design.

Discerning the Voice of God by Priscilla Shirer says, "God wants you to know His will. And He has chosen the Holy Spirit as the primary means to speak to His people- to speak where you can hear Him as you're faithful to confess your sin and to keep your conscience in constant agreement with Him- as you listen up by listening in. Listening deep. Listening early and often to the Spirit within you. That's how you start to hear Him (p.48)." 

His design is always better than ours.