Fashioned to Wait

Suppose we could see the stairway of tears, prayers, praises, valleys, and ugly cries that built the way to our mountaintop. It'd be much easier to understand how and why we got here. 

I find myself on a mountaintop built by countless tears, prayers, praises, valleys, and ugly cries. One that seems too good to be true, yet that's the kind of God I serve! A God that doesn't give me what I ask for. Thankfully. "According to His riches, He gives me abundantly more than I can ask or imagine" (Ephesians 3:20). 

My fiancé is nothing I ever pictured, more than I could have imagined, and everything I'll ever need. 

Growing up, my mother always said the only thing off limits was a military man. I often pictured my person as being from the medical field, studious and high-strung like me. Then out of nowhere, here comes along Staff Sergeant Trevor Hagen. He continues a 13-year career in the military and is as calm, relaxed, and flexible as they come. 

Cool as a cucumber…next to my enthusiastic, high-pitched, highly scheduled, perfectionist, and energetic self. 

We couldn't be more different. 

Yet we are equivalent in all the ways that matter most- the intensity and ferocity in which we love each other. The same deep love we share for the Lord. The moldable spirit to change and grow. The quickness to say sorry and forgive. The extensive lengths we will go to prioritize and protect family. 

And yet, in so many other ways, he is precisely the opposite of me. He is my perfect compliment. It's almost like he holds a flame to me, and suddenly I sparkle in all these new ways I never knew possible. Trevor told me early on, "I couldn't have made you in a lab more perfect for me!" I soon felt the same way. Our Creator God truly is the best scientist and perfect designer. 

Trevor has made my very rigid corners comfortably smooth. He has made my stringent schedule lightheartedly flexible. He has broken my idea of perfection to wildly free. He has made me laugh more easily at myself and the stressful situations around me. He even has me eating a burger smothered with mac & cheese and bacon. What my sisters will tell you is so very unlike me. Yet suddenly, I find myself seeing the world in new colors. We've even sat on a hard floor because his new couch didn't come in yet…but we are so in love it doesn't matter. 

I have effortlessly filled his vacant schedule with quality time. I introduced him to the church he now calls his home—the one he gives his talents and time. I brought out the extrovert I always knew he was, as he excels in his recruiting career and talks to people for a living. I even got him to expand beyond mint chocolate chip into the serious realm of ice cream. 

It is crystal clear we make each other so much better. And we are better because God brought us together in perfect timing. Isn't that what marriage is anyway? A partnership meant to glorify God. We are more effective in moving His kingdom forward together than apart—a union to reflect Jesus, the bridegroom, and His church, His bride. 

I have been sitting in this promise for a much shorter time than I have been waiting for this promise. I got very good at waiting. I waited my whole life. Twenty-eight years to be precise. 

I spent years praying for a man I did not yet know. A man that was still a stranger, but I knew him to be my husband in my heart.

I prayed prayers for this man as if I knew him. Because I knew he existed by faith. I knew he was out there- breathing, working, living, and wondering where I was too. 

I stayed incredibly busy. Not just busy for the sake of distraction, but I mean purposefully productive. The—wake up every day to be in the grind, do the work of the Lord, and do the things that set my soul on fire—kind of busy. I was waiting expectantly, with the promise on the horizon. But I was doing what God entrusted in front of me. I knew that if I was still single, it was for a purpose, not an accident. 

I was grinding and dreaming. 

I had my head down to the plow, tilling the land before me, and every now and again, I'd glance up to look at the horizon line to see if rain was coming. Not yet. Maybe tomorrow. The hope kept my dream alive. It kept my spirit joyful and light. Not bitter and broken. Keep tilling. 

You can't make it happen. You can't will it into existence a second too soon. But when it is time, when it's your time, nothing on this earth can stop it. 

And that gave me peace, so much peace.

Because as a doer, I'd get anxious sometimes. Do I need to join one more dating app or go to one more single social? What am I missing!? I'm so active and social and putting myself out there. There is nothing else I need to accomplish in my career. I am constantly surrounded by young adults in my church, conferences, and work life. I'm doing all the things. Where is he, Lord?! 

You can't force it a moment too soon, and nothing can stop it when it's time.

And this is MY TIME. 

And nothing could have stopped it. 

I waited diligently. I prayed relentlessly. I cried passionately. I missed him to the depths of my core. How do you miss a stranger, you ask? Because the longing for companionship is so intense. The desire inside you to join a life with someone, share the mountaintops, and not be alone in a valley is so intense it feels like a gaping pit in your stomach. If you're waiting, you know what I mean. 

When I missed my future husband, I prayed for him fiercely. I believe it was the stairway of prayers I laid that got him to me safely. 

And when it was our time, it was no coincidence or happenstance. It was not luck or fate, or destiny. It was God. Purely Jesus. His perfect timing. 

Trevor said he remembered me from high school. And even the same church we attended for years. I can't quite place him. But in my defense, I was always the loudest in the room. And at the time, he was the quietest.

He said he remembers me being so energetic and passionate about Jesus, for anyone who knows me- bullseye. I could have said, where have you been all my life?! But I know exactly where he was. Preparing. He was becoming the man I needed him to be, and I the woman he needed me to be. We didn't have to know each other back then. It wasn't the right time. But it was enough of a brush that we followed each other on social media. For years I never even realized my future husband was my follower on Instagram and Facebook. 

We realized we crossed paths many times before. I could imagine God smiling, saying, "Hold on, my daughter, he's coming. He's so close. Just a little longer." We kept bumping elbows at the same pool and same friend circles, same vacation spot, same conference offices. We just didn't know it. We were on parallel paths, and God was waiting excitedly to intersect. 

You can't force it a moment too soon, and nothing can stop it when it's time.

He said he always had a crush on me but knew I was out of his league. How sweet. Then on June 18th, 2022, he posted a little dance video with his niece. I liked the baby. She was adorable! So I liked it. Well, maybe he was adorable too. 

He said he felt like God said, speak to this woman. You can trust her. Tell her everything. 

And so he did. That night turned into messaging back and forth until midnight. And I knew immediately this was something uniquely special because I would never stay up that late on a church night. He ended the conversation with, "I enjoyed this. You can text me tomorrow." 

When I didn't by 1:30 P.M. the next day, he did. Men, pursue your women. They are the prize. Be clear and honest. Don't let her guess your intentions. 

Our texts quickly became way too long. Phone call? Yes. FaceTime…I didn't even have time to fix my hair! Didn't matter. Messy bun and frizzy from the rainy walk I just got back from will have to do. 

Come visit in person? Yes! I met him for the first time officially. The glasses and tattoos stood before me, and all I saw were the big blue eyes and deep dimples with a sweet smile. It was July 2nd. That weekend we met each other's families, he attended my church, and we celebrated my birthday. He elongated his stay as much as possible but had to return home to Virginia. His work was there. We had a blissful week together. He went to Virginia. I left for the beach. In 2 weeks, this man moved his whole life back to Pennsylvania. 

He was home for good. He was my home. 

What I didn't realize until later was the perfect and unlikely combination of circumstances that had to occur to allow him to come home to me that weekend. That magical weekend we met blurred into the next blissful month together, which faded into a mountaintop year and onto our pinnacle engagement. 

He was asked to do a training mission here in the States for several weeks, but after such last-minute orders, he turned it down. And for the first time, he declined his orders. It granted him the ability to stay put. 

However, it was only because he was asked to go on this abrupt trip in the first place that he MISSED his drill weekend. At this drill, they asked for a reenlistment commitment. Trevor said that at the time, he had nothing; all he knew was the army. He would have re-signed for six more years. 

But because he was asked on that trip, his drill weekend got postponed until after our divine appointment. And that changed the trajectory of everything. And the fact he refused to go allowed us to meet and spend our first magical month together, and we fell in love—the first month of so many. 

It all had to happen synchronously. You can't force it a moment too soon, and nothing can stop it when it's time.

One month later, Trevor went to drill again. Now he was a very different man. He was a man in love with a new dream on the horizon. Now I was on the horizon. Later that day, he got word that they were deploying the next month. If he had been at the previous drill and re-signed, he would've been sent to the Middle East yet again. 

You can't force it a moment too soon, and nothing can stop it when it's time. It was God's sovereign hand. He is always protecting and guiding again and again and again. It was our time. And only God could orchestrate such a beautifully intricate love story. 

The day before we met, Trevor sat at the beach and told his mother… I just don't know if it's for me. I can't imagine anyone out there. Maybe I'll be the fun uncle forever. 

The day before we met, I entitled my letter "to my future husband." A letter of hope, the last letter to the man I did not yet know but believed God was bringing to me. And He did. Hand-crafted and hand-delivered. I got to read that letter to my Trevor. And read him the hope I had for us both. Knowing the prayers I prayed had built a pathway for us to each other. 

That July 18th, I ran on the beach at Stone Harbor, praying for Trevor and I. Lord, let your will be done. This is the same beach I laid so many prayers on years before, like sand speckled everywhere with belief and hope for my husband I did not yet know. 

It was here on July 18th, 2023, on our 13th month anniversary, the love of my life, protected for me and sent to me, got down on one knee. He said, "I loved you yesterday, today, and forever. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Angela Marie Walter, will you marry me?" 

My easiest, yes. 

 I prayed to God earlier this year… "Help me learn to live on a mountaintop. I'm not used to it, God. I'm used to building stairways."

I have learned to wait. Now I get to learn how to rest in the promise. To live in the promise!

I am who I am today because of what God fashioned in me through the waiting. The waiting created all the fertile ground and tender space for God to fill and for me to become the woman ready to accept the promise. The waiting is purpose-filled. In the waiting, there is wonder. 

I was fashioned to wait. And now I am fashioned to wed. Now on the pinnacle of our mountaintop, I can look back at the stairway that was built of every tear, prayer, praise, valley, and ugly cry...every second waiting for him was worth a lifetime with him. I wouldn't trade a moment waiting for Trevor, with my Jesus. And I'd wait all over again, knowing it'd still lead to my dream. God's promise for me. God's best for me. You can't force it a moment too soon, and nothing can stop it when it's time.