Giddy Happiness or Defiant Joy
Oh it’s defiant alright. This smile has not come without a few reps, a few tears and a few extra surrenders. This laughter is not without a deep sense of what I’ve lost and yet what I have. This belly laugh is not in absence of a painful reality, but a visceral understanding of the coexisting hope I have in Jesus. It is not in ignorance I giggle, it is in my deepest reality.
Some can not understand this joy. They are firmly planted with two feet in the world. But as Christians, we are called to live in this world but not of it. I met two particular girls in dental school that were very much of the world. In fact, they were so confused by this joy, they were actually offended by it, outwardly flustered and agitated. They tried to poke holes, find a flaw, a loop hole. They were waiting like hungry hyenas for the moment I slipped, to say, “See you are just like us. Miserable.”
They hated the thing they could not grasp, yet wanted so deeply. They'd throw insults and walk off whispering. As if I lived in a world covered with cotton candy and roses. Oh if they only knew the world that surrounded me. But this was not for me to prove to them. They did not see what was done in private. The work put in. The quiet place. Where I gained my strength, my song, my joy.
We were in a rigorous program. No doubt. There's an average acceptance rate of about 5.1% (2017-2018 ADA survey of dental education). It was hard, and the days only seemed to grow harder. My consistency enraged them more. It mounted until one day they couldn’t hold it in. The kettle was on too long, and the whistle finally blew.
I remember walking briskly in the clinic, with a dance in my step. My blue gown swooshed around my scrubs as I went to call back my 9:00 a.m. patient.
There they were. Walking shoulder to shoulder, charging confidence from the other. The one with big glasses said, “Aw that’s so cute you have your little Bible in your hands.” Mocking.
I held my little notebook covered in molars with bows and bowties. (Don’t ask, dental students have their own swag). It was full of my patients and treatment plans, not the word of God.
I looked down. Chuckling.
I kept moving. Clarifying would not help. Her intentions were to cut.
My lack of reaction, sparked a greater reaction.
She looked at me dead in the eyes. Her voice was resolute and cynical,
“Angela, I can not wait until your spirit is as broken as ours.”
Can I tell you, that that day NEVER came.
I looked back at her squarely. A righteous anger rose. I said sternly and crisply:
“Well, good thing it's not my spirit, because that broke a long time ago. It’s Gods spirit, and that can NEVER break.”
I walked off. Her mouth was still open. And that was the last time they ever scoffed at me. Or mocked my God.
Let’s be honest, they weren’t mocking me, the evil in them was mocking the spirit of God in me. Let’s not forget who the real enemy is, and what we are battling here. Our joy can be wielded as a weapon. Cutting down lies and personifying His truth.
This joy is not finite and emotional. It cannot come from moods dependent upon sugar drops and temperature changes. Happiness constantly fluxes with personal success and view of self. My giddiness surely comes from that chocolate chip pancake, or three mile run. But that high can’t get me through an emotional breakdown, a scary career move, a personal failure, a desperate loss, and a health condition.
These springs of joy are fragrant to the world- it sticks out and turns heads. Because it's not normal. We are its keeper, protecting it like a lioness. The enemy wants to snatch it away. If we aren’t careful about confusing our giddy happiness with our immovable joy, it can come and go like the tides of the oceans.
In Philippians, Paul wrote joy 16 times while he was awaiting for death in prison. What kind of joy is that?
This joy comes from He who has set a light inside my heart and keeps in lite during my darkest days. This joy is apart of the very blood pumping through my veins because of the blood shed for me. Royal blood, royal joy. Joy not my own. Not self helped. And thank God because I would fail every time. No matter how many runs, kale smoothies or downward dogs I do. No matter the books, degrees or pats on the back I get…this joy surely does not belong to them.
No doubt I steward well what’s in my hands. But if it is those things that my joy relies on, I will surely be disappointed.
I will live on this earth so closely to Jesus, it’s as if I’m already sitting in His presence in complete glory-joy, and we can defy this world together.
My joy is defiant.
Merriam-Webster says defiance is the disposition to resist, the willingness to contend or fight. I will resist my emotions, contend my surroundings and fight my circumstances to uphold this Joy God says is mine.
A very small percent of the time I feel like it all clicks. My happiness is bursting and so is my joy. It all seems palpable. But MOST of the time, in the space where most all of us live, we have to be content with what’s going on around us. We have to resist our natural inclination to slip into our true feelings that are dark and sad, overwhelmed and anxious, depressed and comparing to others, stressed and overworked, and less then. But that’s why it’s called defiant isn’t it? We can resist it. We are called to do it.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: ANGELA WALTER
Angela Walter is first and foremost an ambassador of Christ, disguised as a dentist and journalist. She graduated from Temple dental school and is living her dream to treat and love well her hometown community in Wyomissing, Pa. She received her bachelors in biology and communications from Albright College, and has always had a love for writing and speaking to motivate and move others. She serves as the 6-12 year old kids ministry leader and women’s life group leader at Mosaic Church. She is passionate about inspiring others to live out their God-given purpose, unique and beautiful to them. She believes strongly in generations coming together to make generational impact. She believes that women can truly work from a place of freedom knowing their identity in Christ, and it is the greatest threat to the enemy. Angela rescued a little Lhasa Apso mix named Joshua, who yes, is named after the Bible story. Always reminding her to go around what you are battling one more time. Do. It. Again. You can find her on Facebook and follow her on Instagram @dr.angelawalter.